Monday Night Countdown Hillary v. Trump

All day on ESPN sports journalists spoke of the 10 year anniversary of the New Orleans Saints city lifting game that some attribute to the beginning of the city of New Orleans’ rebirth. It was a rehashing of terrible memories and the building that stood in the middle of everything and is continuing to stand today. Also today all over CNN was the impending first Presidential Debate. This historic debate places the first woman candidate against a man who is a first time politician. So in accordance of being a good citizen I scheduled my workout early and ordered Chinese take out in preparation to watch The New Orleans Saints battle the Atlanta Falcons while simultaneously watching Hillary Clinton battle Donald Trump.

So with the anticipation mounting as I watched Monday Night Football on my muted television and the CNN coverage with the volume full blast. I would also like to disclose that I didn’t really have a drinking game planned out, as I am not a big drinker, but I did finish off a pan of Brownie Cookie bars that I had made over the weekend when things during the debate got intense. To kick things off Debate Commission members Frank Fahrenkopf & Mike McCurry came out to address the audience. Mr. Fahrenkopf spoke to the audience like a frazzled mother speaks to her anxious five year old upon getting reading to enter the grocery store. He explained the format of the debate and how the timing, moderating and questions will be presented in such a way that you could almost hear him saying, “Please goddammit just behave yourself for five minutes!”. Then Mr. McCurry had his turn to address the home viewers and take the time to explain social media to the older generation watching from their sofas. Since the debate was lacking in entertainment value, while what was presumed to be mundane beginning action with what was promised to be an exciting debate I focused my attention and gave myself a football update.

The The Orleans Saint open the doors and score a touchdown, Atlanta fights back and forces a fumble NO-7 ATL-0.Commentating continues as the CNN countdown clock ticks away at the minutes leading up to the face-off.Atlanta scores a touchdown, tie game NO-7 ATL-7.We start the debate with a tie game, leaving the only pressure to perform right out of the gate to Lester Holt.

You can cut the stress with a knife until Lester Holt comes out onto the stage and begs the previously mentioned five year old to play nice with him tonight.The candidates finally come out to the stage and give their opening statements:

Clinton: Love me I’m a grandma

Trump: I have a tally of everything we’ve lost and everything that was stolen from us. I have been keeping track.

Atlanta scores and takes the lead as Lester Holt gives his first press to Donald Trump.

Lester Holt: Yea but what would you do specifically?

Trump:Politicians are terrible.

Holt:Yea but what would you do?

Trump:Let me be a politician.

New Orleans battles to make it a tie game once more but fail to gain any ground or put any points on the board.

Hillary Clinton reminds people watching to go on her website and have a live fact check in real time during the debate.

Trump:Mine too.

Lester Holt has to now gain control of what is happening because the five year old is starting to act up halfway through the aisle that is significantly colder than the rest of the aisle in the grocery store. The candidates get into a heated argument regarding climate change where Donald Trump appears to becoming just as red as the pants suit Hillary Clinton is wearing.

New Orleans scores a touchdown and we have again, a tie game. Atlanta gains a clutch first down while a player for The Saints is down hurt on the field. Trumps gets a zinger off and the five year old gasps.

Trump continues his rhetoric of Politicians as bad…please let me be one.

Atlanta makes it down the field into the red zone as Lester Holt brings up the issues of tax returns.

Donald Trumps answers by going on a very well articulated tangent about how he is relatable to the working class American because he made 650 million dollars last year. He continues to fall down the rabbit hole with his answers. Saying it was a smart business move for evading paying federal taxes, circling his answers by avoiding giving specific policy agendas, instead focusing on how much the American economy and people have lost; what has been cheated of them and how it has been stolen out of their hard working hands.He continue to show his understanding of everyday American’s problems by saying that making 650 million in a year is not a lot and he knows money so let him take care of the money. Like an older brother scheming the five year old with what to buy in the candy aisle with the dollar their mother has given them. Trump creates the first mild tantrum from the five year old playing audience with a zinger about tax returns vs releasing emails.

Hillary Clinton again apologizes for the email micro-agression and pivots to make specific campaign plans on what she would do as the next president.

Atlanta scores a touchdown and takes the lead, the spirit is starting to wane from Saints fans. As the momentum builds on the Clinton side of the debate split screen, Trump continues to lose composure drinking so much water I’m almost positive he will have to pee before the debate is over. He also has a very interjecting sniffle thing. 

Trump: I’m not a business man I’m a business man.

Clinton: Let’s talk about your business and your inability to pay working employees and contractors.

Trump: The work was shitty so I didn’t pay.

Lester then moves on to the issue of race, something that was seen as an issue Donald had to work on. He lives up to that anticipation by shooting himself in the colored foot. Centering on more law enforcement, stop and frisk policies and taking out a demographic of “illegal gangs with guns” whomever those people may be. Hillary responds by dropping the systematic race card.

Atlanta scores another touchdown, New Orleans continues to battle but unravel. Trump continues to unravel with his responses.

Holt: Let’s talk about the birther issue

Trump: I say nothing but let me tell you….

Clinton: You built your political agenda on a crazy, racist issue.

Trump: But I got the birth certificate. You couldn’t do it and I did it nah.. nah.. nah. nahh.

Trump has a tantrum about his opinions regarding the Iraq war, Atlanta scores a touchdown. Trump continues to fall down the rabbit hole screaming at the top of his lungs “CALL SEAN HANNITY”. 

Hillary uses this Trump tantrum to have a likeable moment regarding her temperament and the five year old audience squeals in delight.

New Orleans continues to try and be the best it can be and scores a touchdown making the score ATL-35 NO-25.

Lester Holt tries one final attempt at gaining some control over the candidates  and a final outcome can be taken away from the debate once it is over.

Trump: We suck at everything we do.

Clinton: If I was a man, this wouldn’t even be a contest.

As the debate ends, New Orleans continues to battle in the second half. With the debate over I listen to Anderson Cooper and team to fact check the debate and we can all take bets on what clips Hillary & Co. will choose for television ads and online gifs for her Instagram.

It becomes very clear that Hillary Clinton was very prepared for the debate this evening. She basically Hermione Granger-ed it up there tonight.

“She’s the smartest in our year.”

Atlanta scores again, all but cementing their lead 45-25.

Our CNN crew have a slight moment down the rabbit hole as they argue the birther issue.

As New Orleans battles on and scores another touchdown, CNN takes 36 minutes after the debate to share that their democratic/ Hillary loving poll has come to the surprising conclusion that Hillary won the debate. As to not be outshown by the futile attempt by the New Orleans Saints who lost the to the Atlanta Falcons.

It is clear once everything is over that Red is the winning color of the evening.


**the featured image is taken from an article via The Wall Street Journal.


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